The very last day
Every time summer is hot like this one I’m regularly dreams the same dream.
In this dream is it a warm day in the end of August and you ran before me towards the beach too bathing. It’s a unusually hot summer and you almost can swim now though you only is 3 yeras old.The phlegmatic dog who when its opportune listen to the name Lorry jumps around your feet, full of joy. His best number is to run out to the end of the pier an then take a big jump into the water. That dog likas to swim
He loves you to. There Desire is you can find her dog.
You took your first steps whit a steady grab at his tail. Hes patience whit you is unlimited. You can even takes things out of his favourite food and taste it. That delicateness he usually guards whit his live .He just stand there looking at what you do whit his food.
In the garden I had hanged your clean laundry :all your colourful clothes is blowing in the wind. I still not know that you never need them again.
The little dollhouse your father is building in the garden is nearly finished. Today he shall do the last painting. I know its Sunday today because your father is at home and swims whit us the whole day.I can feel warmness and I can feel love even in my dreams because this moment of my life I gladly dream about again and again. I will make the time standing still this last Sunday in august at a sunny beach where three lucky people and a happy dog goes on enjoying their happiness for ever and ever.
Like all dreams can do even this changed the scene.
The see is windy, the sky is dark.
Thunders rolling throe the mountains and the rain on my body is cold.I know that its later now:
Very much later.
The dog is howling heartbreaking right out in the rain there he runs in circles looking for you.
He tried to stop the rescue team take you away and he is expecting you to be back soon.
His howling eats me from inside but I don’t do anything to stop him!
Against what happened their is no comforts. Not today and not tomorrow. Never.
I can see myself standing as paralysed in a little crowed of people when they drag you up from the water. At once I understood that you was dead. You was just not there anymore. My only clear thinking was about what grief this would cause your farther. You who was his proud and joy.
Since his past 40 when he became a father he saw you like some kind of miracle.
In my dreams the past appear like fragments and suddenly I’m standing at the stairs outside the hospital so absolute frozen in chock that I remember it like I had been turned into salt like Lots wife in the bible.
We drove home as we didn’t could think of any other place to go .
Their I took a black plastic bag and just throw all your clean clothes away. After that I took a big hammer and smashed the beautiful doll house.
I am nearly awake now and try desperately to go back to sleep!
Till the time before…
Then three happily people not even suspect that they were going to lose everything. Then you could not imagination that this is your last day on earth so you could dance and sing and play in the water whiteout one single thing to worry about.
But shadow hide the sun and I se the little white coffin at the chapel. Her we had to say goodbye, me and you. The very last time I kissed you .Your skin felt cold within my summer warm arms and my hands couldn’t not get your face warm again.Your special smell of flowers and wintreapples don’t exist any more. You are so pale and my mind catches a silly questioning:
How can death get this sunburned face that pale?
Now I want to wake up but when the dream comes to the chapel they usually turns out to nightmares and they are difficult to wakeup from.
I walk in the wild thunder night out into the see. That very see which took you. The warm august water in the see seemed comfortable when I just had my body wet through of the is could raining.
-You are not allowed to swim in the thunder! I laughed high at all foolish thing I learnt you.
I start to swim. Right out against open see.The only thing I thinks about just I at that moment is your name: Desire. The very wanted one .
Was ever any other child as wanted as you was?
Someone pushes me a little.
-Wakeup mam: You are crying.
As usually it takes a little while for me to reconnect whit my present live.
Another daughter, this time a grown up looked troubled at me.
-Did you dreamt about Desire she ask softly. She’s not expecting an answer: she knows. She smiles at me and said:
-Happy and I are in the pool. Come and join us and swim with us:
-its such a lovely august sunday!
Happy: The daughter of my son . She really is my pride and joy and she looks very alike you now at the same age. It will be fantastic to be allowed to watch her growing.
As I looked out of my window I had to agree: Its really an unusually beautiful august Sunday:
A day wart remembering.
Cause you don’t stop living even when the worst things happens .Sadness will stay around as long as you live but you v can learn to handle lt. I’m still again allowed to enjoy living and be a happy person even whiteout you my little unforgettably miracle.
Ojdå...det gick inte att sända en bild här..Synd, önskar dig allt gott.
vilken livshistoria. Det finns mycket att läsa här.
Jag tittar nog in till dig igen!
Du skriver så v ackert om det mest smärtsamma..
Bilden är otroligt vacker..
Livet är trots allt nog vackert - igen, så småningom, kikar in snart igen.
Tankar många Tuija
Tack för dina snälla ord.