The second letter to my Father
Late summer 1996
Summer still out there but winter in my hart. I cant let go of you. Not quite yet. I feel more and more sure of what I will do.The very thing scaring me: Finding my sisters and brothers and perhaps find out who I really am.Just for me and my children. I don’t have to think about your reaction anymore.
Do you remember another summer very long ago? I wrote you so many letters. Then I get lovely and well righted charming letter of that kind I received nor before and not after.I vas ever so happy about your letters. That very summer get magic because of them! If you should try to remember something of all things that a little teenage girl confirmed you in that letters:
Did they not make you just a little bit shamed?
Everything you wrote was lies and your kindly mails was just written to get me trapped so that you could show me what you called a fathers love: It was concentrated one single thing.Your next sexual kick!
Whenever I chose I can see that serious, pathetic little girl sitting in the room of some friend or in someone’s old car. Many times I red and writhed my letters in any sleepy public library. You used post restante like me but in your case it had to do with your crime against my little sister : A sister I then did not know existed. Had the girl who was me funded out that this fatherly letters came from a closed prison even she had reacted.
I was happy. Now I would get a family at last at my fathers and his new
I remember being very nervous about if the wife would like me. Looking back on the girl who was me I can feel a little sting in my chest but more than this I feel irritated and frustrated over her naiveté.
That girl does not exist anymore.
Today I am another person. My hair is turning grey and I am a grandmother witch feel realy good. The only thing that connected us is the fact that you are the father of us both. Or was I would have to begin write now.
I should liked very much too read some of that letter you wrote me but thy all stayed at the police together with my dairy.Evidence they called them.But I am shore of that your letters was a warm and happy: Just that kind of letter a lonely child wanted to read
I remember them reading parts from the letter at the court. It was a closed court but they could not keep the foster mother away.She waved with a tiny part of paper contained the advertise in the paper she once had read about me as a baby.
-Here it says that this child has healthy parents, she cried out.
-He ie not very healthy,she said pointing at you.
-I want compensation.
I do remembe in that very moment you stand up and confessed you guilty. I didn’t know if it was for the sake of me being questioned or for the sake of you like a hope for an easier judgement? Probably the last: You was always taking care of yourself first.
I don’t even remember where I slept during this trail. Probably in some sort of hotel for I could not be trusted. A child without an address.
In the pauses I saw you and your guards in the corridor outside the courtroom and I envied you your guards and your lawyer. Your face was the only one I could recognize among the strangers of grown up people.
You hade called my biological mother as a whiteness: Your defend would try to prove that you wasn’t my father after all. A useless try since you was married to her at the time of my birth. I was very thrilled over having a chance to get at least a glance of this strange woman. But when she enter the room I could only see her neck: I not existed in her world. Obvious she didn’t want me to be abele too recognise her. Today I ask myself if its really cheaper to rape another mans child?
The verdict becomes 4 ½ year in prison: that was hard for the time being but considered that you was an ex convicted and hade done the same thing with my baby sister. But It was not me who turned you in and I refused to witness against you. What god should it do me? The readed loud out of my dammed diary! It took me many years too be able to write diaries again.
After the 2 days of trial the first act of you in my live was over.I stood there at the pavement and felt totally empty inside. What now? Since I had nobody too ask this I had to think it over myself and I started my walk to the main driveway out of the small town. The truckers went my family. This gays provided me with possibilities too sleep on longer rotes and they gave me food and became my family like they used before I met you. Thou I don’t have access to your letters to me I am certain that it was very merry letters who lighted up the world for a lonely child for a while. This time I am the writer but since you are gone I can write too you in my own terms. I never will have to consider anything about you any more.
God night pa.
Always your doughter